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February 20, 2005
Marryin' Folks
A minister is called upon to do many things. We preach and we teach. We attend many, many meetings. We counsel people and we design rituals. We pray at public functions and at the bedside of sick and dying people. We envision a future for the congregations we serve, and work to share it and to inspire others.
We plan programs and demonstrations. We try to grow hearts and spirits. Among these various tasks, two stand out as the most enjoyable. They are naming and dedicating babies, and Marryin' Folks.
During the time I have been here in Muskegon, I have officiated at weddings here at HUUC, and at St.Jean's Catholic Church. I have joined lovers in wedlock on the shores of Lake Michigan and in clearings in the woods. Small homes and large have housed weddings. Back yards and parks, meadows and motels--all have served as sacred places in which loving couples exchanged vows.
I am delighted that Helen Fink is joining me in this out-reach to the larger community. I always feel bad when I must say to the excited voice on the other end of the telephone that I will be out of town, or am already booked for that time. Now we can expand our presence in the religious life of this area.
I have one major regret. Neither Helen nor I can legally marry some of the couples who come to us. Although we are happy to join in loving partnership the same-gender people who come to us, state law prevents us from legally marrying them. Marryin' Folks is fun. I just wish I could do it for everyone who wishes to marry.
When a couple calls me to see if I am available to officiate at their wedding, there are certain requirements that must be met. Some of them are very simple--am I available for that date? If not, I can now offer them Helen as a possibility. Where do they want it held? (I rule out very few places, but will not consider underwater or parachuting.) They want to know what it will cost, and I require at least three interviews.
I want to get to know the couple before the wedding. Partly, this is to help them craft a significant wedding, and partly to see if I can flag emotional land mines that might cause problems. I ask them about their families of origin, if their parents marriages are still intact, what their religious background is, how many siblings, and whether there will be small children involved in the ceremony.
Some of this I learned at theological school in a workshop about accompanying couples as they join their separate paths into a joint path called marriage. How-ever, the importance of taking a thorough family history was learned through experience.
I was in my internship year when I was approached by a lovely couple to officiate at their wedding. They were school teachers, it was the first marriage for both of them, and they had purchased a home in an integrated neighborhood because they wanted their children to grow up there. I really liked and approved of them.
When I took their history I discovered that the bride's mother had died about five years ago. "But," she said brightly, "my aunt and cousins will be here. The cousins are bridesmaids." They wanted to write their own vows, and I encour-aged them to do so. They also wanted to recite them from memory--a practice that I had been warned was not to be encouraged. But they, especially the groom, were adamant.
They held the wedding rehearsal in their home--a lovely old home with a beautiful staircase. I was introduced to the family, including the aunt and cousins. Now, you know that I lived in the south for many years, and I grew to like it and its people. However, it is also true that there is a stereotype of southern women that pictures them as gushy, overbearing, and fluttery. The aunt was such a stereo-type, and her daughters slightly modified versions. They greeted me with excla-mations of what a WONderful occasion this was, and what a WONderful couple they were, and what a WONderful wedding it would be.
I also met the bride's father, who had just flown in from California, with a younger woman at his side. She had not been expected.
We began the rehearsal, the bride and cousins walked down the lovely staircase, and all was going well, until we came to the vows. The groom recited his from memory, and the bride, tears welling in her eyes, began hers in a quivery voice. I prompted her a few times, and then she burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. We stopped the rehearsal, she retired to her room under the ministrations of the fluttery aunt and her daughters, whose voices had risen two octaves. After about 30 minutes we tried again, with me coaching the bride, saying that I would feed her the lines, that she didn't need to worry, and that all would be well. She was distraught, still weeping, and saying she didn't deserve the groom, who was looking a little frayed. Of course that take didn't work either, so we called it a night, agreeing that all would be well tomorrow afternoon.
It was not. When I entered the club in which the wedding was to take place, I was greeted by the manager. I asked if the bride was there, and she replied, "She's upstairs, hyperventilating." Greeting the groom, who was partaking of the generous bar, I went upstairs. I found the bride, standing in the middle of the room in her wedding undergarments, weeping profusely. The aunt was fluttering around her, gushing endearments, and attempting to redo her make-up, which kept being washed away.
I elbowed my way through the wedding party, and talked quietly to the bride. I asked her if she had any reservations about getting married. "Do you," I asked, "really want this marriage?" "Oh, yes," she cried, "I don't know why (the groom) wants to marry me, but I am the luckiest girl in the world." "Okay," I said, "don't worry about anything, especially the vows. I'll feed them to you, and we'll be fine."
And that is what happened. She continued crying as she walked down the lovely staircase. She wept during the first part of the service. She sobbed as we did the vows, but managed to repeat the words I gave her. She cried during all the pictures, and in the receiving line. When I left she was still crying. However, I got a note from them from Paris, where they honeymooned. They were fine, they said.
I learned two things. One is that trying to memorize vows is sometimes the final stressor in a stressful day. And the second is to pay more attention to that family history. I think the unexpected woman her father brought to the wedding was what set her off. And the fluttery aunts and cousins certainly did not help.
Another of my requirements for wedding couples is a character test that explores their preferred ways of learning and decision making. This test gives us a focus for talking about how they work and play together, and how they plan their future. And we plan a ceremony together. I ask them to try to craft a service that will show to those who love and care for them that they have been well and truly wed. And I ask them to pay particular attention to their vows. For that is the heart of the ceremony--the promises they make to each other.
Do I ever say "no" to a couple that wants to wed? Only once. It was a couple who fought a great deal. At our second meeting I recommended couples counseling before they proceeded. The wedding did not take place.
Never however, have I turned away a couple because they were of the same gender. The right to participate in a ceremony that blesses their union is not limited to heterosexual couples. But unfortunately, the laws of this state, now enshrined in its by-laws, do not allow a legal wedding between same-gender couples.
I believe this is morally and ethically wrong. I believe that same-gender couples have worth and dignity, just as do different-gender couples. I believe that justice, equity and compassion call us to work for the right of same-gender couples to legally wed and receive all the rights and benefits of marriage.
The denial of such rights constitutes a separation of our people into first and second-class citizens. The passage of the constitutional by-law denying such rights enshrined legal discrimination in this state. I believe it is morally wrong because it denies full humanity to a class of people. I believe it is ethically wrong because it denies equal rights to this same class of people.
The passage of this amendment also negates previous state employee contracts that would have given unmarried couples, including gays, domestic partnership benefits. Michigan State University and Kalamazoo are among the public entities that continue to provide domestic partner benefits in the wake of the amendment. In Ann Arbor, the Thomas More Law Center, funded by Domino Pizza magnate Thomas Monaghan, is trying to stop the Ann Arbor public schools from providing domestic partner benefits to employees. Jay Kaplan of the American Civil Liberties Union of Michigan told the Detroit Free Press that the benefits offered by the district were not equivalent to marriage, “partly since same-sex couples do not get the 1,100 rights and protection that married people receive.”
(Website 365gay.com.)
Neither Helen nor I nor any of the many Unitarian Universalist ministers who support gay-marriage can perform a legal wedding of same-gender couples in the state of Michigan. However, if such a couple wants a religious ceremony that blesses their union and allows them to declare before their family and friends that they are a partnership, we stand ready to do that.
Our larger faith community, the Unitarian Universalist Association has publicly supported same-gender people and couples for many years. In 1980, the General Assembly, our national decision-making body, voted to encourage non-discrimination in ministerial employment. They voted to support gay and lesbian services of union in 1984, although some ministers had been doing them for al-most a decade. In 1987 they called for legal equity for gays and lesbians. And in 1996 they voted to support the right of Same-sex couples to marry. I am proud of this record, which continues today. "On May 17, 2004, Massachusetts be-came the first state to legally recognize same-sex marriages. The UUA's presi-dent and staff cheered as couples applied for marriage licenses all over the state and hosted the wedding of Julie and Hillary Goodridge at UUA headquarters. (presided over by UUA President, Bill Sinkford). Three days later, after the wait-ing period imposed on most couples by Massachusetts law, fifty same-sex coup-les were married in historic Arlington Street Church in Boston." (www.uua.org)
I have personally officiated at a few same-gender unions here in West Michigan. I would be happy to do more. I would be even happier to officiate at a legal wedding for some of my friends and faith companions. Sadly, that is not possible.
However, it is possible to make gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people welcome in our congregation. It is possible to affirm that they have worth and dignity, that they are fully human in our eyes and in our hearts. It is possible to go the extra mile to welcome into our congregation people who may well have been rejected by the faith of their childhood.
A Welcoming Congregation Task Force is beginning its work in this congregation.
They are meeting and planning programs and workshops to help us learn the depths of pain that some of our brothers and sisters suffer. They will help us ex-plore the rich culture of our gay siblings. They will help us come to consensus on claiming the label--A Welcoming Congregation. We will begin next month to offer a nibble of what we think will ultimately be a rich feast of opportunities to learn and explore together.
We are unable to offer to our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered brothers and sisters a legal marriage in the eyes of the laws of Michigan. However, we can offer them a liberal religious home that values them as worthy people. We can offer them a religious ceremony for the partnerships they form. We can offer to all people a faith community that crafts rituals that joins them in blessed unions. We offer a liberal religious congregation that values all people and wel-comes into covenantal membership those who embrace our values and practices.
Let us share the good news of this community with all with whom we interact.
Amen.
Blessed Be.
Shalom.
Saalat.
Posted by harboruu at 10:12 AM | Comments (0)
February 13, 2005
Where the Heart Is
When I was a child my mother always came to say good-night after I was in bed. She would tuck in the covers, read me a story, and then we recited the classic child's good night prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
My childhood idea of God was like most of us who attended Christian main line churches. God took care of us. God could be petitioned. God was also a judge, who kept an eye on what we were doing. God was the father of Jesus, who loved little children. And so forth.
Most of us moved out of this stage of faith. Most of us rebelled against the Great Father in the Sky model of God. Most of us in this room moved away from Christianity. And we looked for something else, because if we have nothing larger than our self to idolize, we have what some have called "a god-sized hole in our hearts." We found divinity in a different place, and sometimes we named it a different name.
I left my childhood faith when it failed to answer my questions. For many years I was mostly unchurched, although my reading kept me in a tenuous connection with religion. When I walked into the Unitarian Universalist Church in Jackson, Mississippi, I found the religious community for which I had been unconsciously searching.
My definition of the divine is now very different from my childhood, and it is a moving target. It is based in humanism, informed by feminist understandings, fed by my connection to the natural world and enriched by process theology. When I try to encapsulate this in words, I come up with the phrases you have often heard--Spirit of Life and Love, God of Many Names and Many Nations, Creator and Sustainer of Life.
Our hearts yearn toward love; the love of one specific human, the love of family and friends, and the love of that undefined, nebulous something that we sometimes call God. Where the Heart Is, our topic for today.
The Reverend Forrest Church is minister of All Souls Unitarian Church in New York City. He is also an author of numerous books; a biography of his father, Utah Senator Frank Church, The Devil and Dr. Church, The Seven Deadly Virtues, and with the Rev. John Buehrens, the classic book we give to all new members, A Chosen Faith. His newest book is Bringing God Home, and it inspired my sermon today.
It is, he says, a traveler's guide. It draws upon his spiritual journey, but also upon other writers who have preceded him. The guide shows us where he has been on his journey, and how he got to where he is now. His hope is that it can pro-vide a model for others on a similar journey. (Church, Forrest, Bringing God Home, St. Martin's Griffin, New York, 2002, p. 4)
Church acknowledges that by most standards he was a successful man. He married and fathered children. He graduated from a prestigious school, Harvard. He was called to the pulpit of a large and very public church in our largest city. He wrote books that received good reviews and sold well. He frequently ap-peared on nation-wide TV shows to talk about his books, and to give the liberal religious perspective on issues. However, he says, there was a "hollowness" in his life. (Ibid, p. 6.)
He learned, he says, that "when we don't believe in God, its not that we believe in nothing; rather we believe in almost anything." And he tells of believing in a string of smaller gods, "all of which failed me." (Ibid.)
Church never defines God completely. He does not understand his task as tell-ing his readers the identity or characteristics or appearance of God. Rather, he lets the simple three-letter word with which English-speakers have been obsess-ed for centuries stand as a metaphor. I use it that way today. I ask you to under-stand it as a metaphor for your conception of the Divine.
For many of you that will be the best and brightest that lies within the human heart. For many of you that will be something larger--outside humanity. It is the yearning, the love, of which we speak today; not the futile attempt of humans to define that which is indefinable.
Church's thesis, with which I agree, is that we humans need to relate to some-thing larger than ourselves. In our search for meaning, we need to seek a relationship with that which we name as Divine. If we fail to do so, we experi-ence the hollowness that Church named, or a God-sized hole in our heart as others express it. Because we yearn for completion, we will find something else to which we give our love. Church admits that, for a decade at least, alcohol filled that hole for him. (Ibid p. 7) For some it may be a career that receives ultimate loyalty. For others it may be another human, or their larger family. For some it may be a nation-state that receives their love and adoration. These are substitute gods.
The three forms of love I mentioned earlier, Eros, Filia, and Agape, were defined by the Greeks centuries ago. The first, Eros, is romantic, or passionate love. This is the love that we most commonly celebrate on Valentine's Day. When we say the word love, eros is often what we mean. Eros is fun, exciting, pleasur-able, and sometimes painful. Eros is what encourages the human race to repro-duce successfully. Eros connects us with each other in deep and loving relation-ships. Eros encourages its partners to heights of nobility, and sometimes to depths of foolishness. It can bring us transcendent moments of togetherness, and the depths of despair when the loved one dies. It is necessary, meaningful and holy.
According to the ancient Greeks, the second form of love is filia, or brotherly love. We might term this affectionate love for family and friends. It is the love we feel for the younger brother who drove you crazy when you were a teen-ager, but surprisingly grew to be an adult whose company you enjoy. It is the deep attach-ment that exists between parents and children. It is the affection present be-tween friends who shared kindergarten, middle school and high school gradua-tion. It is present between neighbors who share long years of child-rearing and the appearance of grandchildren. It is there in the casseroles that appear when a death strikes a family. Filial love is deep and loyal; it is sometimes disappointed and often joyous. It is necessary, meaningful, and holy.
And the last form of love is Agape, divine love. Agape love is a yearning love for something greater. Our hearts yearn toward the best and brightest in and around us. We yearn toward completion, wholeness. We yearn toward the one human who will share our life, we yearn toward other humans who provide us with com-panionship, and we yearn toward the something larger that will fill the hollowness we experience when we remember that we are finite humans in an unimaginably large cosmos.
One way we express this is to say that we love God, and that God loves us in return. Few of us image the divine as a being that experiences emotions similar to humans. However, we may say that we believe that we "live in a Benign Universe," as did one minister. We may hold in our hearts a personification of our world as an ever-fruitful Mother Earth. We may think of God as the process of Creation, in which we participate, and name that good. Agape love is neces-sary, meaningful and holy.
Church tells us that we need all three forms of love in our lives, lest we raise idols to worship that betray us. He retells the story of David and Bathsheba as a warn-ing against allowing eros to take precedence over filia and agape. (Ibid, 111.)
David, the king of Israel, watched Bathsheba, wife of Uriah, one of David's generals, as she bathed on her rooftop on a moonlit night. David exerted his royal power and had Bathsheba brought to his room. Before the night was over, Bathsheba was pregnant.
When she informed David of this inconvenient fact, he sent for Uriah, who was away fighting the Philistines. When he returned David suggested that his loyal general, for whom he should have felt filial affection, spend the night with his wife. However, Uriah had taken an oath to forbear from such comfort until his sovereign and his nation was safe from the Philistines. Fully armed, he lay down across the doorway to David's room to ensure his safety. Even after David plied him with wine, Uriah remained steadfast.
When David sent him back to the front, Uriah carried with him a message to his commander to put Uriah in the front of the battle, and withdraw that he might be slain. He did so, and Bathsheba became one of David's several wives. David betrayed filial love in the service of eros.
Nathan the prophet challenged him with his infidelity through the use of a par-able, causing David to recognize that he had also betrayed his God. Eros had caused him to betray agape love. Powerful eros must be balanced with filial and agape love. Those who successfully balance all three types of love are complete and whole.
And where do we find agape love? Church uses several examples to tell us that we find love right at home. He quotes Rumi, from Pilgrims on the Way:
Pilgrims on the Way! Where are you?
Here is the beloved, here!
Your beloved lives next door
wall to wall
why do you wander
round and round the desert?
If you look in the face of Love
and not just at its superficial form
you yourselves become the house of God and are its lords.
It is when we stop seeking in foreign places and unfamiliar faiths that we find the meaning for which we are searching. It is when we seek right at home, within our selves that we find the Divine.
Church retells the story of the Hasidic Rabbi Isaac of Cracow.
One night Rabbi Isaac had a dream. In it, God tells him to leave his home and travel to Prague. There, beneath the bridge, he will find a great treas-ure. Isaac is far from superstitious, but this is the third time the dream has recurred. So Isaac sets out on the long journey to Prague. Exhausted, he finally arrives at the bridge underneath which the promised treasure is reportedly buried. But soldiers guard the bridge day and night, and Isaac cannot dig for the treasure without attracting their attention. Hours pass and then days. At last, abandoning all hope, he turns to leave, empty-handed. As he walks away, a soldier calls to him, "Old man, for the longest time you've been hanging about, and now you are leaving. What strange quest brought you here, and why do you now go?"
"I had a dream," Isaac confesses. "God told me to go to Prague, where I would find a great treasure buried beneath the bridge."
"Fool," the soldier replies. "I once had such a dream. God told me that if I went to Cracow and looked up Rabbi Isaac, I too would find a great treasure, buried beneath his stove."
Thanking the soldier, Rabbi Isaac returns home to find his promised treasure where it always was, hidden under his own hearth. (Ibid. p.9)
"The key," says Church, "to spiritual fulfillment is always in our pocket. By no accident, this same key unlocks our hearts." (Ibid)
If you would seek love, agape love, look at home within your own heart. It is far less important to correctly classify your understanding of the Divine, than it is to experience Love, the love of that which is larger than the self or your partner, your family, or your nation. It is by growing your own heart that you find agape love.
Life on this earth is short, and we humans are both blessed and cursed with the knowledge that it will cease. Church charges us to live fully while we have life. He reminds us of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the protesting pastor in Germany who knew of the plot against Hitler's life, and did not warn him. He was imprisoned and sentenced to death. While awaiting his execution he wrote a letter to his fiancee, Maria von Wedemeyer-Weller, just before Christmas, 1944:
These will be quiet days in our homes. But I have had the experience over and over again that the quieter it is around me, the clearer do I feel the con-nection to you. It is as though in solitude the soul develops senses that we hardly know in everyday life. Therefore I have not felt lonely or abandoned for one moment. You, the parents, all of you, the friends and students of mine at the front, all are constantly present to me. Your prayers and good thoughts, words from the Bible, discussion long past, pieces of music and books--(all these) gain life and reality as never before. It is a great invisible sphere in which one lives and in whose reality there is no doubt. … Therefore you must not think I am unhappy. What is happiness and un-happiness? It depends so little on the circumstances; it depends really only on that which happens inside a person. I am grateful every day that I have you, and that makes me happy. (Ibid. 116)
Bonhoeffer had learned to live fully while he yet had life; and he had learned that love and happiness was found within his own heart.
Living fully in the present allows one to engage with love, eros, filial and agape. And it is in love, in relationships, that we find our meaning and our satisfaction.
Go now, to your homes. Search within for the love that makes you whole, for the love that gives meaning to your life. Love with passion, love with affection, love with yearning. And may your days be rich and satisfying upon this earth.
Amen.
Blessed Be.
Shalom.
Saalat.
Posted by harboruu at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)
February 06, 2005
Is Money the Meaning of Life?
I was not originally scheduled to preach this Sunday, but miscommunication resulted in a blank spot on the calendar. We did have another possibility, but I gave Andy Fink my February 27 slot, so it seemed a good idea to preach this Sunday in its place. And I was full of the information I received at the Heartland District Minister's conference I attended at the beginning of the week.
Every winter we gather at Pokagon State Park, which is just across the Indiana border. It is a lovely place, wooded and snow covered in February. There are trails one can walk, and from which one can spot tracks; deer, squirrels, rabbits, and other unidentified small animals. There are cross-country ski trails and a toboggan run. We stay in a comfortable lodge with adequate meeting rooms. And we gather with colleagues to share stories of our lives and ministries.
We also study. The topic this year was Finances, or Metafiscal Realities. Two presenters talked to us about personal and congregational finances, and Socially Responsible Investing. So, I was filled with ideas and stories about money and our relationships with it.
We need sufficient money to live comfortably, we need to save for a comfortable retirement, we want to be generous givers to the institutions and causes that embody our values, and we want to invest our savings to both grow our wealth and reflect those values.
I want to share part of what I learned with you today, concentrating on personal finance--Is Money the Meaning of Life? Let us discover the answer.
When you opened your Order of Service today, you found some questions for reflection titled Money and Spirituality. They were designed by the Rev. Marni Harmony for a workshop with her congregation. I offer them to you as a basis for reflection and self-questioning. I will explore some of them in today's sermon, as a model for how you might explore the topics.
The child comes to you, excited after the seeing the colorful T.V. advertisement. "Mom, mom," she says. "There's a new Barbie out. She's an astronaut Barbie, and she's wearing a silver suit! Mom, can I have her? She's really cool. Mom, I really NEED this Barbie. Let's go down to Toys 'r Us right now, I need this Barbie!"
It is not too difficult to smile at the child's enthusiasm, and explain gently that while she wants Astronaut Barbie very much, she doesn't really need her. Persuading her of the truth of this statement is another matter, and I leave it to you to do so. However, for a parent to see the difference between that want for an attractive toy and a real need is not difficult.
However, if the item in question is a lovely red sports car, and the person a 48 year old male; or if the item is a beautiful apricot cashmere sweater and the person a 35 year old female, the difference may be more difficult to discern. We need to be alert to that fine line between what we really need and what we want. We need sufficient healthy food to keep our bodies working at top efficiency. We don't need to obtain that food at a high-priced restaurant, or a fast-food drive-in. (And I would argue that healthy food is more difficult to find at the drive-in.) We don't need to derive our protein from steaks or roasts, or even (sigh) The Cheese Lady's wonderful stock of treats. We don't need out-of-season strawberries or tomatoes. We don't need imported wines or truffles. These are wants instead of needs.
This is not to say that we must always deny ourselves our wants. We just need to keep them in balance. We need to keep ourselves fed and clothed and warm and sheltered. Beyond that, a healthy relationship with money balances the wants that flood our senses with the reality that we also need to save for education costs, medical expenses and retirement. We need to keep our wants in perspective if we want a healthy relationship with money, a relationship that encourages a healthy spirit.
How much is enough? For each of us the answer will be slightly different. How many C.D's do you really need in your car?
How many rooms in your house are enough for you and your family and its activities? How big a car do you need? Do you really need a car?
I was listening to The Commonwealth Club on NPR a few weeks ago. I don't remember the speaker's name, but he was speaking on the current trials of those people involved in the corporation corruption scandals of a few years ago. He asked the audience, "How many of us actually have $1,000 shower curtains? Put up your hands. (A pause.) Oh, well I guess they are more common than I thought."
Few of us would question the need for a shower curtain, assuming we have a shower. The idea of one that costs $1,000 seems over the top for most of us. But apparently, for some people, a $25.00 shower curtain, or even a $250.00 shower curtain is not enough. I think that $1,000 shower curtains are a symbol of a life that is out of balance, a spirit that seeks meaning in things.
One of the questions Rev. Harmony asks is, "Do I possess my things or do they possess me?" My aunt used to collect teapots. She had a china cabinet filled with teapots, plus others on display on many surfaces throughout her home. Of course her kitchen contained several that were used as opposed to displayed. I was fascinated with them as a child, and she could always give the history of each one. When I grew up, I often wondered how much time that she spent dusting and cleaning those teapots. I think the teapots grew to possess her.
I think this is true of other collections. I think it is true of beautiful but impractical furnishings, such as white carpets or upholstery. I think it is true of demanding, hard to maintain automobiles. I remember Coyote's words when I see drivers of SUV's at the gas station. "Humans buy things to show that they have money left after they have everything they want." We need to be on guard against our possessions possessing us.
"What makes me angriest or most resentful?" asks Harmony. Does your rela-tionship with money sometimes make you angry or resentful? Do you regret buying that new book, even though it got a good review and everyone is talking about it? Do you resent your neighbor's new car? Do you get angry with a child who responds to a television ad just as its designers intended? Are you angry with the office-mate who got a raise, or the neighborhood grocer who hired his cousin instead of you or your teen-ager? Our economic system may justifiably elicit anger and resentment. Our spiritual challenge is to discern at whom that should be channeled, and to behave accordingly.
One big question for the relationship of money and spirituality is its effect on generosity. Do we spend money in a way that allows us to be generous? One recommendation is that we set aside 10% of our income to give away, that we save 10% of our income, and use the rest for our expenses. That means if your income were $30,000 you could save $3,000, give away $3,000 and live on the other $24,000. If your income were $65,000 you could give away $6,500, save $6,500 and live on $52,000.
Is this practical? It depends, of course on circumstances, including your number of dependents, medical expenses, and the area's cost of living. However, I ask you to keep the formula in mind--10% for giving, 10% for saving and 80% for living expenses.
The last item I wish to engage on Rev. Harmony's list is the question of Being or Having--and I want to spend some time on this, because I think it comes to the crux of the relationship of money and spirituality.
One of our presenters at the retreat was Fred Campbell, retired UU minister who lives in Lansing. He has spoken here a few times, and we have used his curricu-lum, The Four Faiths. When Fred retired, he also quit the ministry. Unlike many of his colleagues, who retire from parish ministry, but are "available" for weddings and memorial services, or do pulpit supply and consulting--Fred really quit. He talked about learning the difference between Being and Doing. He said retirees had to learn to "be", not "do." Our worth, he said, comes from being, not doing.
Let us substitute the word "have" for "do", and extend his thinking to all of us. Is our worth based on how large a car we drive, or is it based on our relationship to our family and friends? Is our sense of esteem based on an up-to-date wardrobe in the most fashionable colors, or on how we live and love and have our being?
The media, driven by advertising, wants us to believe that we need the right sneakers to get the esteem of our peers. It wants us to believe that driving a SUV allows us to experience transcendent moments of delight at the top of a cliff. It wants us to believe that a large house at a good address is necessary for us to be accepted as a good, worthy person. It wants to make its products status symbols that we think we need.
And it wants to sell us toys. Barbie doll advertisements are easy to see through. However, let us think about the adult toys that we acquire. The port city of Mus-kegon is filled with boats of all kinds. Only a small percentage of them are work-ing boats. I've been in the channel with everything from personal watercraft to 50-ft sailboats to 1000 ft. freighters. Then there are snowmobiles, radio-controlled model airplanes, and sports equipment of all sorts that fit the category of adult toys.
I am not saying all such "things" are bad. Sailing enriches my life considerably, and I feel refreshed and renewed after a day on the water. If these toys are used to enhance one's life, there is nothing wrong with them. However, it is not from "things" that we derive our worth. Because I spent a large part of my life sewing for recreation, I still get a chuckle out of the bumper sticker, "She who dies with the most fabric, wins." However, I recognize that it is bad theology.
It is using the fabric to create that enriches one's life. It is sailing, rather than possessing the sailboat that brings the possibility of a transcendent experience upon the water when the wind and waves and skill of the captain blend into becoming one with the lake. It is cross-country skiing on a sunny day in the winter woods that gives meaning to one's life, not the skis stored in the attic or garage. Experiencing such moments allows us to return to our family and friends renewed and refreshed.
Dick Gilbert, UU minister and my mentor, used to say, "To be is to be for others." I believe he is correct. A life lived only for the self is a lonely life. It is a selfish life. It is from relationships that we derive our meaning. Being fully present for our family and friends is necessary to develop healthy relationships. In today's economy it is necessary for parents to work, and in two-parent households, both often are employed. However, sometimes examining one's life and finding a frenetic schedule and little quality time together makes us re-think our priorities.
An interesting model for ministry and family life is present in one of Heartland's congregations. The church employs a team of three ministers. Originally all of them were at three quarter time, which allowed them to spend more time with their families. However, the family life of one is shifting, and she is now at one-fourth time, and scheduled for retirement. The other two are in negotiation, and looking for another minister willing to explore this kind of teamwork.
What would it mean for your family life if you only had to work 3/4 time? What would it mean if you had firm boundaries about what demands upon your time your job required? Would it give you more time with your family and friends? What things would you be willing to give up to have that time?
In addition to relationships with family and friends, giving priority to being instead of having allows us to be fully engaged with the world. We do not want to be dominated by the needs of the larger world, but we do want to be engaged with it. One way of measuring worth is by the impact we have on our segment of society. That is found in a more positive manner by volunteer activities than by shopping. A trip to the Muskegon County Museum to see the new Holocaust exhibit when it opens will have a more lasting impact on your spirit than a trip to the mall.
And to feed your spirit more deeply, set aside time for reflection and renewal. One can do so in many ways, by prayer and meditation, by gardening and walking, by sailing and skiing. We need to balance our lives between the reality that we need to earn money, and the reality that meaning often comes from other sources. Some of us are fortunate enough to earn our money through work that gives meaning to our lives, and I count myself among them. However, we must still set aside time for relationships outside of our work environment.
In addition to relationships with people, there are more abstract values that add meaning to our lives. Let us look at the words of our second hymn for inspiration. The first verse reads:
Winds be still. Storm clouds pass and silence come.
Peace grace this time with harmony.
Fly, bird of hope, and shine, light of love, and in
calm let all find tranquility.
When we find a balance between wants and needs, between overwork and job-lessness, our lives are far more likely to be harmonious. We will be far more likely to find tranquillity.
When our lives are balanced we are better able to see the bird of hope and the light of love shining. When I left for the minister's retreat I carried with me a problem concerning money in which I was immersed. Although I spent no time worrying about it when I was gone, when I returned I was able to see a way out. Rest and renewal, a tranquil interlude--all allowed me to offer at least a partial solution to the problem that brought hope to the parties involved.
The second verse reads:
Bird fly high. Lift our gaze toward distant view.
Help us to sense life's mystery.
Fly high and far, and lead us each to see how we
move through the winds of eternity.
When we are immersed in the day to day struggle for money, money to purchase needs and wants, it is difficult to "lift our gaze toward distant view." It is difficult to "sense life's mystery" while dashing from overwork to grab a few moments with one's family. I recommend that all present take time to gaze across the expanse of Lake Michigan regularly. I especially recommend sunsets. Life's mystery is ablaze each evening if we but take the time to look.
And the final verse of this lovely, meditative hymn has this to say:
Light shine in. Luminate our inward view.
Help us to see with clarity.
Shine bright and true so we may join our songs in new
sounds that become full symphony.
When we seek clarity, we can seldom find it amid the clamor and clanging of marketplace and television set. We need moments of quiet, moments of peace to find the vision that allows us to re-engage the world with a healthy spirit. Then we can join our songs with others to become a full symphony of action and engagement.
Our relationship with money determines whether we have the time and energy to refresh and renew our spirits. It determines whether we can grow generous hearts. If we are filled with fear that we do not have enough, that we cannot acquire enough, we may live crabbed and frightened lives. If we recognize that not all our wants need be filled, it gives us space to grow and develop our spiritual lives into the generous spirits we were designed to be. Let us be about growing our hearts and spirits.
Amen.
Blessed Be.
Shalom.
Saalat.
Posted by harboruu at 10:23 AM | Comments (0)
February 03, 2005
RE News
A special thank you to the high school class (Justin Holmes, Nolan Stier and Riley Helsen) and teachers (Susan Fabrick, Jessica Sheldon, Marcia Hovey-Wright and Tim Hamlin) for the “Adopt-a-Family” Project they took on during the holidays. Especially to Susan Fabrick for her tremendous role in making this service project happen! Thank you also to the congregation for supporting this project with your generous contributions.
Another thank you goes out to the volunteers who took down and put away all the holiday decorations in the RE Space. Thanks to Judy and Jim Root for donating many decorations this year.
The HUUC logo shirt sale raised 72$ in profit for the congregation. Thank you to Shawn Willson for organizing this great event and thanks to Nancy Stier for assisting with ordering. If you missed out on buying one of these great shirts look for this sale to happen again in the Spring!
Posted by harboruu at 06:28 AM | Comments (0)