ON THE OTHER HAND…
April
30, 2006
Deciding
to leave my home of 14 years in
I
spent a year making the initial decision.
I talked with ministers, friends and lay leaders in the Mid-South. I searched my heart and mind. I talked with Spencer Lavan,
dean of Meadville/Lombard, who encouraged me to come to
One
Sunday near Thanksgiving I was scheduled to provide the Sunday Service at the
Immediately
after the forum I dashed to the kitchen to prepare my materials. I took out the bread and a very sharp
serrated knife with which to slice it.
It was nutritious bread, filled with dried fruit and grains, chewy, and
difficult to slice. On about the third
slice I caught the tip of my finger, and sliced off about ˝ inch. It dangled by the merest smidgen of skin that
I held tight with my thumb as I dashed to the sink, and turned on the cold
water. “Well,” I thought, “I had to cut
myself off out of here, somehow!”
I
received three stitches that morning, and returned home that afternoon and
typed my application to theological school.
Two months later I was in
Decision-making is very difficult. I knew that this change was the next step I
must take in my life. On the Other Hand, staying in
If
it is difficult for one person to make a major decision, it is far more
complicated for a group of people to do so.
Each person brings his or her own ideas, values and past experiences to
bear on the decision-making process.
Every participant carries their own injuries from past bumps and
bruises, and sometimes, broken bones!
And these injuries affect their values and preferences. Asking a group of people—even those who love
and care for each other—to decide together about their future is like asking
cats to charge together to chase off a snarling dog! It’s a good idea, but hard to implement.
And
yet that is what we are doing. We are
asking this congregation to decide together on the future of this
institution. We are asking individuals,
with their separate needs and wants, to plan for the best possible future for
this faith community. Some reflections
on shared decision-making seem appropriate.
The
first thing to acknowledge is that decisions often result in change—and change
is very difficult. That is because, as
my late husband once observed, “The thing about change is—things just aren’t
the same afterward!” And, if you are fairly
comfortable with things as they are, why take a chance on something
different? Why go through the trauma of
deciding to change, when there is no guarantee that things will be
significantly better? And life, as we
know, has no guarantees.
The
truth is, change happens whether we plan for it, accept it as it comes, or try
to ignore the fact that it is imminent.
In today’s society, it happens far too fast for many of us to be
comfortable with it. We are creatures
that evolved over long centuries, when significant change was incremental.
Sometimes
war swept over the land on which our ancestors lived, and change was brutal and
swift. Sometimes a ruler brought change
quickly. But for the most part, change
happened, but it happened slowly. Our foreparents often had an opportunity to get used to a new
idea before they were faced with its consequences.
Now
change is rapid. The electric typewriter
upon which I typed my application accompanied me to theological school. However, by the time that school year was
completed, I changed it for a small Mac.
After I came here, Marv, our
Technology
is only the beginning of the rapid changes with which we must cope. Viruses evolve quickly into challenges that
threaten pandemics. In the eleven years
I have been here, the landscape of downtown
No
wonder we look for places of stability.
No wonder the idea of changing another aspect of our lives is so
challenging! In a world of constant
flux, we look to our faith community for peace and stability.
Its
members are constants in our lives, even though we may disagree with some of
them. We learn to depend on them. And
then, by golly, some of them have the temerity to move away, or even worse,
die!
We
want to put on the brakes, screech to a halt, crawl in a hole, and refuse to
engage in planning for the continued growth, health and expansion of our
congregation if it is going to ask us to make one more change.
On the other
hand,
change can also lead to improvements.
Change can support and expand programs of outreach. Change can bring new and interesting people
into our congregation. Change can result
in more space for our activities. Change
can make our congregation more welcoming.
Change can be your friend.
Decision
making often calls upon us to change, which is problematic, but can be positive
in the long view. It also calls upon us
to trust our faith companions. It would
be foolish to expect that all of us will agree that a particular path would be
the very best one to take. However, we can
agree that we assume that each person will make his or her decision with the
good of the entire congregation in mind.
We can assume good intentions on the part of our faith companions.
As
we approach these decisions, some people may get excited and make radical
statements. Some may be afraid, some may
reach too far in your eyes, some may say, “I like this place the way it is—no
changes at all.” This is a decision that
evokes deep emotions. Give your friends
an opportunity to express them, even if you disagree.
Remember
to listen deeply, to really hear the concerns and feelings of all our people,
and to affirm that you have heard them. Assume their good intentions. Then call yourself and others back to the
wider view, that is, that we are all called to make the decision based on what
is good for the entire congregation.
When
we take this attitude, we will trust our faith companions to accompany us on
this process. We can not assume they
will decide in the same way we wish them to, but we can assume that they will
decide with the good of our faith community in their hearts and minds.
To
think about the good of our faith community, we need to think bigger than just
our own small group. We need to think of
all of our members and friends. We need
to think of all age groups, from nursery through youth group, through young
adults, parents, empty-nesters and elders.
We
need to think of all of the wonderful programs, from religious education, both
children and adults, through the choir, and including our outreach
programs. And we need to think of all of
those who are not yet here.
Recently
I was chatting with a first time visitor when she glanced across the room, and
exclaimed—“There’s my neighbor. I didn’t
know she attended here!” The person she
saw was one of our newest members. Both
are now becoming integrated into our community.
How
do we know that our neighbor is not yearning for a liberal religious
community? Do we assume that everyone in
our workplace attends a conventional church, and is happy there? What about those people who move here from another
area, and are looking for a loving faith community with an excellent religious
education department, great music and liberal theology? When we plan for our faith community, we need
to think of the people who need and want a sustaining, saving, supporting
congregation just like ours.
Because
we are a congregation of gathered individuals, we will not always agree on
issues. Let us remember the words of one
of our great Unitarian ministers, Theodore Parker. “We need not think alike to
love alike.”
And
the words of another great minister, The Reverend Richard Gilbert, “Be gentle
with one another. … Handle with
care! Handle with exceedingly tender
care…Life is too transient to be cruel with one another/ it is too short for
thoughtlessness, /Too brief for hurting.”
These
people here are your friends and faith companions. We share many of the same values, but some
will inevitably be different.
Some
of us are feeling really cramped. The
programs with which we are involved need more space. On the
other hand, some of us value aesthetics very highly, and really treasure
the beautiful space we inhabit.
Some
of us want to make our congregation more welcoming by increasing its
accessibility. We want better sound
equipment, all floors accessible, and better bathrooms. On the
other hand, some are more frugal, and want to preserve our treasure and
build up our income.
Some
of us want to hire an administrative assistant, to relieve busy volunteer and
professional staff of paper work. On the other hand, some of us think that
person’s salary would be better spent on other projects.
Some
of us want to expend our energy raising money to support the programs of our
congregation. On the other hand, some of us want to expend our energy in social
action projects.
None
of these preferences are wrong. No one
is bad for preferring to enact our values in one way rather than another. No one is awful because they do not
immediately leap to our way of thinking.
No one is immoral because they wish to enact one program, but not the
one you are most excited about. Rather,
we need to listen to each other respectfully, assume good intentions and work
our way through to an agreement.
This
congregation knows how to do loving decision-making. A few years ago, some of you decided it was
time to change the name of the church.
You devised a process, winnowed through some interesting possibilities,
chose one that inspired a lot of positive connotations, and asked our
congregation to approve it at our annual meeting.
As
a result we are now the Harbor Unitarian
Universalist Congregation.
It
wasn’t the first choice for everyone, but most of us really liked it. Someone developed a logo, the lighthouse,
which we now use on our publications.
Now, all seem happy with our name.
We
have experience with making decisions.
We can make the decisions we need to make with love and grace. We need to remember that while we may differ
on some things, we are all members of this loving faith community. We need to listen to all who bring wants,
hopes and needs, concerns and fears to our discussions. We need to remember that we are making this
decision for the good of the whole church, all those present and all who will
come.
We
do this for the future of our people, and the people not yet here. We do this for the future of this
congregation, a loving faith community, diverse in many ways, but united around
the value of a liberal faith tradition.
We do this for the future of liberal religion in
Let
us go forth, debate and discuss, and gather on May 21st to decide
our future together with love and caring.
Shalom
and Saalat.
Blessed
Be and Amen.